When everything seems to be ‘perfect’ there’s always something that has to fail. It seems that no matter how much I try to maintain relationships with people i’ve known and cared about for practically my whole life, in the end, one by one they’re drifting further and further away. Ignoring you, pretending that you never existed or stating how they’ve “missed you”, but somehow didn’t think to text, phone or try and arrange something to fix the problem and see eachother. Then on another hand you have the sittuation where someone you deeply care about litterally overnight drops you like you were just a casual aquaintance. Blaming you for why you’re now drifting furyher away from eachother, and using every little thing they can to hurt you.
Safe to say as far as influencial dreams go, all these ‘experiances’ whether considered for the beter or not have somehow through my sub-concious left me with dreams such as watching a loved one fall from a ledge and throwing myself after them. You may think it’s just all random, but what gets me the most is how these dreams seem to relate back to my emotional state towards each relevant person, and not only that but how inthe morning I can recall the events of the dream, the emotion, sensation and the pain asthough it was a living memmory rarther than ‘just a dream’
isn’t it fantastic when you know you’ve broken off any and every relationship thats important to you? well fucking done james.. well done you, you’ve out done yourself this time.. shit.
Again, why’s everything so complex? The way in which movies /drama etc protray life is very much through a looking glass, and the worst part is we believe it as truth. This kind of thing causes us often to dream wildly about things that will just never happen. They don’t show the hardships and work that goes into any kind of relationship. Day to day decicions especially as a teen are tough. You have constant pressure from friends on how you should act and appear, who you should 'hang around with' be with etc. It’s a confussing world enough without this seemingly small pressure building up until your not sure what you want or what your doing anymore because your trieng to please all the wrong people all the time instead of focusing on people who care and the things and people that actually matter.
It’s happened to all of us at some point, especially in today’s sociaty with the advances of social media sites it’s increasingly easier to discover hurtful truths from people you thaught you knew. The fact that these people who you considered ‘close friends’ have not a clue about how them posting something small and seemingly incignificant about something their doing, or even a post about someone else that it can be deeply hurting someone else. These people tend to say "O well i’m sorry" in a very sarcastic mannor. Truth is sorry isn’t good enough. Once you know that for example: they said they couldn’t come to see a movie because they were stuck at home. And then you later find out they were at a party. Without you. Sucks right? Them saying 'sorry' isn’t going to help. I know that was a vague example but you get the idea of where i’m comming from. Once you know there’s no going back. You can’t magicaly un-know something at the drop of a hat. And the sad truth is that because of things such as social media sites there’s no escaping the fact that you WILL come accross information about someone that you never wanted to know and realy couldn’t care less about. But now your forced into knowing and it hurts.
I’m sure i’m not alone here but it seems that the more you try to make sense of a sittuation the harder it gets. For example; when you eventually fall asleep and everything seems to fit into place, you suddenly know exactly what you need to do and everything will be fine again. Wrong. you wake up and things aren’t fine. Far from it, instead everythings a mess once again and you have to somehow work out how to handle it all. Thats life i guess.. But isn’t there a part of you that wonders, ‘surely i’m making this worse/harder than it needs to be’ or ‘i’d just be better off on my own’. The truth is i’ll/you’ll never know for sure…And that sucks but we have to deal with it. "When life gives you lemmons, throw them back and demand oranges" won’t help because when your on your own, making decisions for yourself that will only push people away, and you’ll never know untill it’s too late and the damage is already done.
you can’t help but wonder sometimes..
Not fully sure why anyone would admit to knowing me. All i do is push people away and ruin everything.